Cock shot

to find the second video funny, you need to be familiar with this guy



Meet Vince, He's a failed comedian who falsely claims that his chamois are made in germany. our company makes ALL the chamois. they are made on a german machine, yes.... but that machine is in china. He also sells the slapchop. Both of his products have also been put out by my company, and by billy mays on TV.

there is NOTHING unique about them. plus he does some stupid crap in his pitch, most of which is pointed out in this parody....

THE COCK SHOT!

The clusterfuck... conclusion

the clusterfuck subsides... i have won the day. i am now the last man standing. i'm quite a lot richer.


When last you heard from your faithful pitchman, i was but a trainer and sales agent living in a run down apartment. awaiting impending doom when the national director came to visit. my oh my how the tides have changed.

The Big Boss man showed up, and like the wizard of oz fixed a medium amount of things. the plan for the satellite city was (and is) totally bogus, but it seems to be working, He made me manager for my region, running two cities, my old boss took over philadelphia, and our last remaining experienced agent went with him. This left me and our struggling trainee in the satellite market. the first week went great, we pulled great sales, and i was scheduled to take two days and run back to the central city to move into the new corporate condo.


Then the shit hit the fan.

what follows is a journal of the shit hitting the fan.


11AM sunday, got the trainee set up and bought him supplies to last him while i was gone, discovered how to call 1800 numbers from inside the chain without having a cell phone.

left for home.

3pm sunday, arrive home and break down the last booth in that city for a while, run to pick up my friend who is helping me move

5pm, grab my couch and drop it at the condo. other than getting the van stuck 8 times and nearly killing my friend, things go smoothly

8pm the boxspring doesn't fit into the van, drop my friend off and then go to get money from my parents so i can buy rope and strap the boxpring to the roof of the van. i also visit a friend i loaned a book from years back. the book is somehow ruined en route.


midnight i get a call from the trainee that the hotel is booting us out, i have to return to the satellite market, i buy some red bull.

5am, after three more trips and seeing the old boss off, i begin the trip back to the satellite market. having nearly fallen asleep on the road several times already, i am slamming energy drinks and singing along to bad rock songs like there's no tomorrow


11am, i arrive in the hotel just in time to check out, the trainee is there, which struck me as odd since he was supposed to be working, i send him to the store and handle the rest of checkout and other business.

2pm i complete the paperwork necessary for everyone to get paid and fedex it to texas. then i go to check on the trainee\

3pm. the trainee is not at the store, and therefore he no longer has a job, i pitch in a state of exhaustion for several hours, then i go to the new hotel and sleep.

Tuesday through thursday are all doubleshifts. i am a zombie. but sales are excellent

Friday, interviews, i might actually get a day off one day.



and now i've been managing for a week, the store shuts down tomorrow and i can finally get some rest.


i now also have the company van, free gas, and partially free phone


i earned my chops fast, holy crap do i deserve it.

Dr. Tran 100% ICE - - kind of remotely about sales.

The clusterfuck

so we're branching out,

the company is taking on a nearby city. The NATIONAL UBERBOSS is coming to town to oversee our thrust into the nearby city, and guess who is taking over the market this week? lil ol' me.

now, this would be fine, if anyone had asked me if i could do this all in my fist week of management, but the didn't, and i probably can't without the company making a bunch of concessions.

we were given 48 hours notice that we're all moving to the nearby city, they damn well better be helping me move in.

at least i'll be saving money.

Wonderweekend

we're in Fancychain now, this makes me happy.

i have two shifts there this weekend. i'm going to make lots of cash. retarded amounts of cash.

i rule over fancychain with an iron fist.

the people will buy, and i will be rich.

which is good because i'm going to invest in a big bottle of jean paul gaultier's Le male. i hgave higher sales when i wear it.

slow day

we're in suburbanshop, i walk in this morning and i see a tumbleweed blow through a main front aisle. our booth is at the back, its gonna be a slow day

normally we make an announcement designed to make people think we're handing out iphones and that our product cures cancer. when its this slow, we make an announcement that sounds pathetic and awkward.

i sell to everyone that comes to the counter. all four of them... all day.

for every day you pull over 40 bucks an hour, there's another day where you make less than minimum.

i do my taxes between shows.

FANCYCHAIN

In my company, in Canada, we do our sales in five chains. First, you have GROCERYCHAIN. a big supermarket like WAL-SUCK but not quite as evil and with union employees. its nice because all the supplies are right in the store, along with anything you could want for lunch. I used to work for GROCERYCHAIN. it's super poorly managed. the guys at night are no longer allowed to use the dumpster because they would dump whole pallets of food into the dumpster rather than putting it on shelves. good to pitch in. super high traffic. madhouse all day long.

Then we have GHETTOMART, which is a part of GROCERYCHAIN, except that nobody knows it exists. its like costco, but smaller and more rediculous. if you buy NINE 100 gallon packages of ranch dressing, you save TEN CENTS. its cool there though cuz you can buy board games for five bucks, and cleavers for five bucks, and an entire cut of tenderloin for 20 bucks. 0ver 9000 deals.

now we have MALLSTORE, this is the standard, its a chain that spans north america. traffic is almost always good. clientele is middle class, its an all around neat place to work, but they make announcements a LOT. like every 5 minutes. its annoying trying to stand out.

next up the evolutionary scale is SUBURBANSHOP. another department store, this one is like the canadian equivalent of a target or k-mart. most of them are in suburbia, and generally suck, but the odd one can suprise you and turn out to be a cash cow. we've been working a lot of these lately

Finally, my favorite, FANCYCHAIN, by the same owners of SUBURBANSHOP. FANCYCHAIN has the highest class of clientele. you don't crack as many jokes in a fancychain, its about being credible, they have to be ready to ask if you're a chef yourself if you're selling in fancychain. best thing about fancychain though, people BUY. i ahd days where i actively attempted to PREVENT people from buying and it made them buy more.


we're going into fancychain this week. i'm ready to see a 20% boost in sales. fuck yes. moneygasm

lifelong learning

in our organization, if you're not selling, you're on the phone finding out why not.

we have a new national trainer, let's call him banderas. I have only had limited contact with him, and only for the past two weeks, but Banderas is the fucking king. he got me WAY the shit back on my game.

so the other day i'm on the phone with him talking about my issues, mostly that my crowds were small and i had no idea how to get more people in that store. and i ask how he's doing

"...Well, i just blanked twice, so i blame you, you cursed me Pitch"

We have a good laugh and I offer my ear, he's getting what i call a larry tip.

_____________________

INTERESTING PITCH TERMS FACTS TIME!!!!

LARRY meaning broken, if its our product, someone fucking ran it over with their car just to test if we would uphold our garuntee

TIP meaning audience, because we get our tip from them,

______________________

So Bandaras is getting larry tips, a larry tip doesn't want to participate, they hang back, they don't respond.

when you get a larry tip, you have two choices, fucking MAKE them participate, or cut the participation out of it. Banderas then tells me he opted for the latter. which means he handed out his free gift without making them work for it.

this means he isn't being genuine, and anything that is absolutely free, without any work involved, is automatically worth-less. and if they don't see worth in what they get for free, they aren't going to see worth in what they have to pay for.

so i tell him this, you have to be prepared not to give out the free gift if they don't participate, you have to be prepared to walk away hated. their curiousity alone will make them half-ass it until they actually become interested.



then when i hang up i think to myself... wait, did i just act as a trainer.... to the effing NATIONAL TRAINER? sweet shit.

i guess that means its not so bad that i had a crap sales week. going into the FANCYCHAIN this week though

about trent....

So, as a new local trainer, my first assignment, a few weeks ago, was to complete the training of a troublesome trainee, lets call him trent.


Trent was not the brightest bulb. in fact most bulbs are brighter than his bulb when the power is switched off. To give you an idea of how steep this learning curve was for him, here's an example:

By the time i became Trent's trainer, Trent had not come anywhere near memorizing the scripted pitch for the product, in this case, our knives. this should be done before the first day of training, Trent should have been ready to be pitching by himself, and there he was, stumbling. there is an important line about our knives, they are made from "TRIPLE TEMPERED, SURGICAL STAINLESS STEEL". Now when trent was pitching, after a week of practice, he would stumble and say its made from "TRIPLE tempered... surgically.... implanted... steel". and this was the strongest part of his clusterfuck pitch.

now dispite my cranky blogging alter ego, i'm a very well mannered fellow, and as such, i was patient with brent, tried to give him small steps to follow, rather than saying he needed to practice a dozen hours, just little steps he had to correct. these tiny, baby steps, requiring the smallest amount of effort, were apparently beyond him, more than once he outright told me he went drinking instead of spending time practicing. then he would go on to say he wanted to make sure he was selling so he could make money.

guess what trent? your trainer isn't a motherfucking magician. you have to work for your sales. you fucking dipfuck.

here's some more info about bre.... TRENT. Trent is in his forties, he used to be a trucker, he works at the local hockey rink doing something, he aspires to be a comedian, and he once tried to work for this company 9 years ago, and a disaster first pitch, and never pitched again. the average hiree in this company as a sales agent is between 20 and 30, and either has a marketing or performance background.

Trent will never be a comedian, he doesn't have the discipline to work out a script, and he isn't observant enough to discover what parts of that script play well, and how to adjust it. and he can't take risks. To be a successful comedian, as to be a successful pitchman, you have to be prepared to walk away hated. you have to lose your fear of rejection.

Trent will never become the comedian Ubermensch. he will never be a pitchman either.

eventually we terminated trent, he simply wasn't following our directions, we were handing him tools and he was making active choices not to use them, and as a result, he wasn't selling shit.

he still calls us, begging for a job. asking if we have a shorter pitch he can maybe do better at memorizing. I don't have the heart to tell him to go to hell, so i tell him i would consider hiring him back if he can memorize a script front and back without any effort from me, something he will never be able to achieve.

aspiring pitchmen and pitchladies, don't be like trent. just don't do it.